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[Aubrey and Eren (and occasionally Atsushi) have been practicing with dulled blades, but somehow Eren doesn't really think about bringing wooden daggers to practice with Subaru. Maybe he finds him capable, or maybe he just isn't using his head; regardless, by the time they take a break, Eren has a few superficial cuts on his hands; one on his face, across the nose. The cuts are bleeding, but he doesn't seem to care.
[Sitting down, he kicks his bag in Subaru's direction.]
There's a lunch in there for you. If you don't want it all bloody, you gotta get it yourself.
[A simple lunch; just dried meat, cheese, some fruit, some bread. Standard stuff. He brings one to Aubrey every day.
[He still isn't himself. Practice halted, his voice and eyes are dull; but he's here, and he's awake, and he's doing something - what more can you ask, really. He rests his arms over his knees and hangs his head, looking tired.]
[Sitting down, he kicks his bag in Subaru's direction.]
There's a lunch in there for you. If you don't want it all bloody, you gotta get it yourself.
[A simple lunch; just dried meat, cheese, some fruit, some bread. Standard stuff. He brings one to Aubrey every day.
[He still isn't himself. Practice halted, his voice and eyes are dull; but he's here, and he's awake, and he's doing something - what more can you ask, really. He rests his arms over his knees and hangs his head, looking tired.]
[Where Eren’s pretty cut up, Subaru’s looking no better; hands littered with little nicks and cuts, as well as one across his cheek. It’s to be expected; he’s far from experienced in combat. Maybe they should’ve practiced not with the real thing, but some part of him - despite the stinging of his sliced-open skin - is grateful that Eren had enough faith in him to try the real deal.
It feels weird, though, to be responsible for those marks on his friend - superficial as they might be. He’s not sure he likes it.
He reaches for the bag, opening it to get the food out.]
I’m not sure how much better it is if I do it…
[His cuts have at least mostly dried, though they threaten to open at the slightest movement too far.
As he retrieves the food, he casts a look at Eren. He looks exhausted. They had been working hard - but it seems like more than just that.]
Is there something in here for you, too?
It feels weird, though, to be responsible for those marks on his friend - superficial as they might be. He’s not sure he likes it.
He reaches for the bag, opening it to get the food out.]
I’m not sure how much better it is if I do it…
[His cuts have at least mostly dried, though they threaten to open at the slightest movement too far.
As he retrieves the food, he casts a look at Eren. He looks exhausted. They had been working hard - but it seems like more than just that.]
Is there something in here for you, too?
[Subaru’s right. The physical workout was nothing.]
Yeah, just. Kick it back over to me.
[He hasn’t had much of an appetite lately, but it’s not lost on him that for all the time he spends lecturing people for not eating properly, he won’t be spared from it either.
[He stares at his hands.]
Back home they would have healed by now.
Yeah, just. Kick it back over to me.
[He hasn’t had much of an appetite lately, but it’s not lost on him that for all the time he spends lecturing people for not eating properly, he won’t be spared from it either.
[He stares at his hands.]
Back home they would have healed by now.
[Subaru kicks the bag over, but he comes to join Eren anyway. He probably could’ve just carried it.]
Guess that’s a lot to get used to, huh?
[He sighs, looking at the state of him.]
Here.
[He shrugs off his jacket and takes a dagger to the sleeve of his t-shirt. Kneeling down, he presses the scrap of fabric into Eren’s hands, dabbing at the blood.]
It’s not gonna do much, but at least you won’t get blood all over your lunch.
Guess that’s a lot to get used to, huh?
[He sighs, looking at the state of him.]
Here.
[He shrugs off his jacket and takes a dagger to the sleeve of his t-shirt. Kneeling down, he presses the scrap of fabric into Eren’s hands, dabbing at the blood.]
It’s not gonna do much, but at least you won’t get blood all over your lunch.
[Subaru takes Eren's hands and starts tending to them; fine. He'll allow it. As for the topic at hand, it's a dangerous one - or, might be if it was anyone other than Subaru. Subaru knows the truth now; what Eren's power leads to.
[It's safe.]
I feel like shit without it. [Truth. Try as he might to pretend that having his powers isn't a big deal, it is.]
My blood runs like sludge, I can't smell shit, and I'm cold all the damn time. [Something pierces his heart. Reiner. He doesn't let it show.]
Just feels wrong now. [Especially after The Rumbling; especially after tasting what The Founder's power could do.]
[It's safe.]
I feel like shit without it. [Truth. Try as he might to pretend that having his powers isn't a big deal, it is.]
My blood runs like sludge, I can't smell shit, and I'm cold all the damn time. [Something pierces his heart. Reiner. He doesn't let it show.]
Just feels wrong now. [Especially after The Rumbling; especially after tasting what The Founder's power could do.]
[Subaru watches the white fabric blossom with red as Eren talks. He’s never known power like that, he can’t imagine the feeling of going without. He’s always been just a regular person - just a regular person with an odd set of circumstances.]
What else could you do?
[He’s not sure lingering on it is what’s best for Eren - but maybe if he gets it out, that’s some way to helping. And besides, he wants to understand where he’s coming from.]
What else could you do?
[He’s not sure lingering on it is what’s best for Eren - but maybe if he gets it out, that’s some way to helping. And besides, he wants to understand where he’s coming from.]
[Subaru already knows the worst of everything. There's no point in being withholding now. Still, Eren frowns at his hand as its being tended to.]
First, I could only turn into a titan - the Attack Titan. But I had another's power too - the Founding Titan. Later, one more - the Warhammer Titan.
I could do...all sorts of things.
Make objects out of nothing. Harden my body. But not just that...
[He was everywhere. He was everything.]
It felt like...being a god. I could...alter timelines, read people's thoughts, talk to everyone in their minds...
Even create fake realities. And then...
[Yep. He's still going.]
My race. I'm an Eldian. [He's an Eldian.] I could control all of their bodies, and change them however I wanted...
[Eren's injured hand closes into a fist.]
You must get it now. All that power...that's how...
First, I could only turn into a titan - the Attack Titan. But I had another's power too - the Founding Titan. Later, one more - the Warhammer Titan.
I could do...all sorts of things.
Make objects out of nothing. Harden my body. But not just that...
[He was everywhere. He was everything.]
It felt like...being a god. I could...alter timelines, read people's thoughts, talk to everyone in their minds...
Even create fake realities. And then...
[Yep. He's still going.]
My race. I'm an Eldian. [He's an Eldian.] I could control all of their bodies, and change them however I wanted...
[Eren's injured hand closes into a fist.]
You must get it now. All that power...that's how...
[As Eren talks, Subaru’s chest tightens. The things he’s describing are great feats of power, unlike anything he’s come across. In other words-]
That’s…seriously too much power for one person to have…!
[Perhaps it was meant to be a whisper, or just in his head. It doesn’t come out that way.]
That’s…seriously too much power for one person to have…!
[Perhaps it was meant to be a whisper, or just in his head. It doesn’t come out that way.]
When did I call you an idiot?
[He prickles at that suggestion.]
That’s too much for anyone - it’s…seriously…
[He shakes his head.]
Withdrawing from that’s gotta be crazy.
[He prickles at that suggestion.]
That’s too much for anyone - it’s…seriously…
[He shakes his head.]
Withdrawing from that’s gotta be crazy.
[He was calling himself an idiot, but he's not going to argue about it.]
It would be hard to explain to anyone else, I figure.
I only lived my future for a few hours, but when time is happening all at once...
[His brow furrows. He looks like he's in pain; not emotional - more like a headache.]
It felt like whole lifetimes. Endless lifetimes...
I know everything because I watched it happen. Over and over and over again...
It would be hard to explain to anyone else, I figure.
I only lived my future for a few hours, but when time is happening all at once...
[His brow furrows. He looks like he's in pain; not emotional - more like a headache.]
It felt like whole lifetimes. Endless lifetimes...
I know everything because I watched it happen. Over and over and over again...
[Subaru can only begin to imagine. What he’s experienced only amounts to less than fifteen resets. Perhaps that’s the only reason why he’s still sane - though, with some resets, he certainly came close to breaking.
His hands still for a moment.]
Going through that… [His voice is quieter now.] It would drive anyone mad, you know.
His hands still for a moment.]
Going through that… [His voice is quieter now.] It would drive anyone mad, you know.
[Now that pained look doesn't just look like a headache; his expression flattens back out quickly this time.]
It's not that I was crazy...
[He doesn't even consider it, though Subaru's thought process makes sense. Something new to grapple with. He doesn't want to blame anything but himself.]
It's like I told you. I did it because I wanted to...
[...] But I...
[He considers not saying it at all.]
...I tried to stop it. I did, and I...didn't...at the same time...
It couldn't be stopped...
It's not that I was crazy...
[He doesn't even consider it, though Subaru's thought process makes sense. Something new to grapple with. He doesn't want to blame anything but himself.]
It's like I told you. I did it because I wanted to...
[...] But I...
[He considers not saying it at all.]
...I tried to stop it. I did, and I...didn't...at the same time...
It couldn't be stopped...
[He looks at Eren. Cautious, wary. But he wants to know.]
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
[How could he possibly explain? He barely understands it himself. His head is so muddled now...]
I tried to change the timeline, but every time I ended up with the Founder's power again, everything would change. I went back. I fixed everything to make sure The Rumbling could happen. Over and over again...
That power...my plan...I couldn't resist it.
I tried to change the timeline, but every time I ended up with the Founder's power again, everything would change. I went back. I fixed everything to make sure The Rumbling could happen. Over and over again...
That power...my plan...I couldn't resist it.
[Resetting against a dead end…Subaru knows what it’s like. What it feels like for something to be so impossible to change…
He feels the blade at his throat once more.]
…But you kept trying, didn’t you?
He feels the blade at his throat once more.]
…But you kept trying, didn’t you?
[Subaru feels the weight of Eren’s hands in his. They’re so light. For some, Eren is surely the bad guy that has to be taken down to win a happy ending, though it’s hard for him to believe with him sat there in front of him. Could he do it, knowing what he does of him?
Killing Betelgeuse never felt like a win. Despite all the curses he spouted, the bloodlust he felt at that man…
Who knows. Maybe he’d been someone like Eren before, too.
With all these thoughts weighing heavy in his head, he manages out, in a quiet voice:]
…I’m sorry.
Killing Betelgeuse never felt like a win. Despite all the curses he spouted, the bloodlust he felt at that man…
Who knows. Maybe he’d been someone like Eren before, too.
With all these thoughts weighing heavy in his head, he manages out, in a quiet voice:]
…I’m sorry.
I know.
[He does.]
But dying isn’t…
[’What you deserved’ - can he truly say that? The words fall flat on his tongue. How pathetic he is, not able to commit to his own beliefs.]
[He does.]
But dying isn’t…
[’What you deserved’ - can he truly say that? The words fall flat on his tongue. How pathetic he is, not able to commit to his own beliefs.]
[Subaru’s face contorts, a flash of anger crossing it.]
How…
[He lets go of his hands.]
How can you tell me that - after everything I’ve told you?!
How…
[He lets go of his hands.]
How can you tell me that - after everything I’ve told you?!
[Subaru can’t talk.
Despite all his protests, he knows the feeling well. He’s been there - more than once. How long had he begged for death in that cavern? Hadn’t he taken his own life before?
But that was because he was cowardly. That’s because he could go back. He and death were intimate; it was never final.
No - he can’t get it. Death is terrifying. Death is horrific. Death is painful.]
…And what about now?
[His voice is cold.]
Despite all his protests, he knows the feeling well. He’s been there - more than once. How long had he begged for death in that cavern? Hadn’t he taken his own life before?
But that was because he was cowardly. That’s because he could go back. He and death were intimate; it was never final.
No - he can’t get it. Death is terrifying. Death is horrific. Death is painful.]
…And what about now?
[His voice is cold.]
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