[Subaru can only begin to imagine. What he’s experienced only amounts to less than fifteen resets. Perhaps that’s the only reason why he’s still sane - though, with some resets, he certainly came close to breaking.
His hands still for a moment.]
Going through that… [His voice is quieter now.] It would drive anyone mad, you know.
[Now that pained look doesn't just look like a headache; his expression flattens back out quickly this time.]
It's not that I was crazy...
[He doesn't even consider it, though Subaru's thought process makes sense. Something new to grapple with. He doesn't want to blame anything but himself.]
It's like I told you. I did it because I wanted to...
[...] But I...
[He considers not saying it at all.]
...I tried to stop it. I did, and I...didn't...at the same time...
[How could he possibly explain? He barely understands it himself. His head is so muddled now...]
I tried to change the timeline, but every time I ended up with the Founder's power again, everything would change. I went back. I fixed everything to make sure The Rumbling could happen. Over and over again...
[Subaru feels the weight of Eren’s hands in his. They’re so light. For some, Eren is surely the bad guy that has to be taken down to win a happy ending, though it’s hard for him to believe with him sat there in front of him. Could he do it, knowing what he does of him?
Killing Betelgeuse never felt like a win. Despite all the curses he spouted, the bloodlust he felt at that man…
Who knows. Maybe he’d been someone like Eren before, too.
With all these thoughts weighing heavy in his head, he manages out, in a quiet voice:]
Despite all his protests, he knows the feeling well. He’s been there - more than once. How long had he begged for death in that cavern? Hadn’t he taken his own life before?
But that was because he was cowardly. That’s because he could go back. He and death were intimate; it was never final.
No - he can’t get it. Death is terrifying. Death is horrific. Death is painful.]
[There’s a heavy pause. Whatever control Subaru had of himself, it’s gone now.]
Do you know how awful dying is?!
[Something in his voice snaps.]
Do you know how many times I’ve died, just so that someone else could live? Do you know how many times I’ve seen the dead bodies of my friends, over and over -
[In all his anger, tears start to flow. This isn’t about Eren. It was never about Eren. Now, he just wants release.]
So don’t you tell me that it doesn’t matter whether you want to die or not!
[Eren stares at Subaru. Maybe it should by sympathetic, but it really doesn't betray any emotion at all. He listens, and watches him, and he gets it. They've both seen their friends die over and over again; Eren only lived his own death once. But it didn't feel awful. It felt like...
[...freedom.]
I do know.
I get why you're pissed.
[Maybe he ought to stop there. This isn't about him anymore. Still...]
I don't know how to answer that question the way you want me to. I'm not planning on dying. That has to be enough.
[In the grand scheme of things, they don't know each other all that well. Mikasa, Jean; Eren can understand why they couldn't bear to lose him again. Levi would mourn too, maybe. But Subaru is the one whose hands are trembling, and he's saying, "You can't put me through that," like losing Eren would mean something.
[They understand each other in a way that no one else can. Eren made a promise to Subaru too; he won't let him shoulder that burden alone.
[He takes Subaru's hands, interrupting the cleaning. The bleeding's stopped for the most part. He thumbs over the boy's knuckles, frowning.]
I've promised a few people I'd stay alive.
I told you...[He lifts his head, tries to meet Subaru's eyes; searching, searching.] I won't leave you alone. So, I won't.
[The Eren Subaru met isn’t gone entirely. It makes him ache to see tears welling in his friend’s eyes. He knows he caused them.
[Plenty of people have told Eren they don’t see what people see in him. Now, he really doesn’t get it. Is he such a loss?
[He squeezes Subaru’s hands.]
Come here…
[He still sounds dull as he sits up on his knees, inching up close. He pulls Subaru against him, a hand resting over the nape of his neck. With a sigh, he rests his chin on top of Subaru’s head.
[Subaru, limp as a rag doll, lets himself be moved. The embrace is new, unfamiliar - sure, he’s been held before, and by the people he loves too, but this is different. He’d never expect this of Eren.
Another side to him, he supposes. He doesn’t stop getting to know him.
Craving closeness, craving comfort, Subaru curls into him, letting the tears flow. What is he even crying for anymore? He isn’t so sure himself.
But he holds onto him. Desperately, like he might disappear.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
he regrets it dw
That’s…seriously too much power for one person to have…!
[Perhaps it was meant to be a whisper, or just in his head. It doesn’t come out that way.]
no subject
no subject
[He prickles at that suggestion.]
That’s too much for anyone - it’s…seriously…
[He shakes his head.]
Withdrawing from that’s gotta be crazy.
no subject
It would be hard to explain to anyone else, I figure.
I only lived my future for a few hours, but when time is happening all at once...
[His brow furrows. He looks like he's in pain; not emotional - more like a headache.]
It felt like whole lifetimes. Endless lifetimes...
I know everything because I watched it happen. Over and over and over again...
no subject
His hands still for a moment.]
Going through that… [His voice is quieter now.] It would drive anyone mad, you know.
no subject
It's not that I was crazy...
[He doesn't even consider it, though Subaru's thought process makes sense. Something new to grapple with. He doesn't want to blame anything but himself.]
It's like I told you. I did it because I wanted to...
[...] But I...
[He considers not saying it at all.]
...I tried to stop it. I did, and I...didn't...at the same time...
It couldn't be stopped...
no subject
What do you mean?
no subject
I tried to change the timeline, but every time I ended up with the Founder's power again, everything would change. I went back. I fixed everything to make sure The Rumbling could happen. Over and over again...
That power...my plan...I couldn't resist it.
cw: vague implied suicide
He feels the blade at his throat once more.]
…But you kept trying, didn’t you?
no subject
I...remember my death. It's all over now.
no subject
Killing Betelgeuse never felt like a win. Despite all the curses he spouted, the bloodlust he felt at that man…
Who knows. Maybe he’d been someone like Eren before, too.
With all these thoughts weighing heavy in his head, he manages out, in a quiet voice:]
…I’m sorry.
no subject
It's my fault. What I said...it isn't some excuse.
I wouldn't do that.
no subject
[He does.]
But dying isn’t…
[’What you deserved’ - can he truly say that? The words fall flat on his tongue. How pathetic he is, not able to commit to his own beliefs.]
cw: suicide
cw: suicide cont
How…
[He lets go of his hands.]
How can you tell me that - after everything I’ve told you?!
cw: honestly here down suicide cw
Because it's the truth. At the time, I wanted to.
no subject
Despite all his protests, he knows the feeling well. He’s been there - more than once. How long had he begged for death in that cavern? Hadn’t he taken his own life before?
But that was because he was cowardly. That’s because he could go back. He and death were intimate; it was never final.
No - he can’t get it. Death is terrifying. Death is horrific. Death is painful.]
…And what about now?
[His voice is cold.]
no subject
No one can die here. Not really.
It doesn't matter.
no subject
Do you know how awful dying is?!
[Something in his voice snaps.]
Do you know how many times I’ve died, just so that someone else could live? Do you know how many times I’ve seen the dead bodies of my friends, over and over -
[In all his anger, tears start to flow. This isn’t about Eren. It was never about Eren. Now, he just wants release.]
So don’t you tell me that it doesn’t matter whether you want to die or not!
no subject
[...freedom.]
I do know.
I get why you're pissed.
[Maybe he ought to stop there. This isn't about him anymore. Still...]
I don't know how to answer that question the way you want me to. I'm not planning on dying. That has to be enough.
no subject
It has to be. He has to take something. What more can he ask of Eren? That he just lie to him, for his sake?]
…Fine.
[After that outburst, he seems to calm slightly. Though, some tension still remains.
He picks back up the cloth and wipes down Eren’s hands.
He’s trembling a little.]
You can’t put me through that.
no subject
[In the grand scheme of things, they don't know each other all that well. Mikasa, Jean; Eren can understand why they couldn't bear to lose him again. Levi would mourn too, maybe. But Subaru is the one whose hands are trembling, and he's saying, "You can't put me through that," like losing Eren would mean something.
[They understand each other in a way that no one else can. Eren made a promise to Subaru too; he won't let him shoulder that burden alone.
[He takes Subaru's hands, interrupting the cleaning. The bleeding's stopped for the most part. He thumbs over the boy's knuckles, frowning.]
I've promised a few people I'd stay alive.
I told you...[He lifts his head, tries to meet Subaru's eyes; searching, searching.] I won't leave you alone. So, I won't.
cw: flashbacks
He doesn’t want that. He can’t let that happen.
He’s finally found someone who understands - he can’t know loneliness like that again.
His hands lay weakly, limp, in Eren’s.]
Please… [His voice is small, desperate. Pathetic. Tears threaten to fall once more.] Please don’t.
lmk if this needs to change I know it’s bordering on godmodding
[Plenty of people have told Eren they don’t see what people see in him. Now, he really doesn’t get it. Is he such a loss?
[He squeezes Subaru’s hands.]
Come here…
[He still sounds dull as he sits up on his knees, inching up close. He pulls Subaru against him, a hand resting over the nape of his neck. With a sigh, he rests his chin on top of Subaru’s head.
[He’s so tired of people crying for him.]
I won’t.
you’re all good!!
Another side to him, he supposes. He doesn’t stop getting to know him.
Craving closeness, craving comfort, Subaru curls into him, letting the tears flow. What is he even crying for anymore? He isn’t so sure himself.
But he holds onto him. Desperately, like he might disappear.]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)