[Subaru feels the weight of Eren’s hands in his. They’re so light. For some, Eren is surely the bad guy that has to be taken down to win a happy ending, though it’s hard for him to believe with him sat there in front of him. Could he do it, knowing what he does of him?
Killing Betelgeuse never felt like a win. Despite all the curses he spouted, the bloodlust he felt at that man…
Who knows. Maybe he’d been someone like Eren before, too.
With all these thoughts weighing heavy in his head, he manages out, in a quiet voice:]
Despite all his protests, he knows the feeling well. He’s been there - more than once. How long had he begged for death in that cavern? Hadn’t he taken his own life before?
But that was because he was cowardly. That’s because he could go back. He and death were intimate; it was never final.
No - he can’t get it. Death is terrifying. Death is horrific. Death is painful.]
[There’s a heavy pause. Whatever control Subaru had of himself, it’s gone now.]
Do you know how awful dying is?!
[Something in his voice snaps.]
Do you know how many times I’ve died, just so that someone else could live? Do you know how many times I’ve seen the dead bodies of my friends, over and over -
[In all his anger, tears start to flow. This isn’t about Eren. It was never about Eren. Now, he just wants release.]
So don’t you tell me that it doesn’t matter whether you want to die or not!
[Eren stares at Subaru. Maybe it should by sympathetic, but it really doesn't betray any emotion at all. He listens, and watches him, and he gets it. They've both seen their friends die over and over again; Eren only lived his own death once. But it didn't feel awful. It felt like...
[...freedom.]
I do know.
I get why you're pissed.
[Maybe he ought to stop there. This isn't about him anymore. Still...]
I don't know how to answer that question the way you want me to. I'm not planning on dying. That has to be enough.
[In the grand scheme of things, they don't know each other all that well. Mikasa, Jean; Eren can understand why they couldn't bear to lose him again. Levi would mourn too, maybe. But Subaru is the one whose hands are trembling, and he's saying, "You can't put me through that," like losing Eren would mean something.
[They understand each other in a way that no one else can. Eren made a promise to Subaru too; he won't let him shoulder that burden alone.
[He takes Subaru's hands, interrupting the cleaning. The bleeding's stopped for the most part. He thumbs over the boy's knuckles, frowning.]
I've promised a few people I'd stay alive.
I told you...[He lifts his head, tries to meet Subaru's eyes; searching, searching.] I won't leave you alone. So, I won't.
[The Eren Subaru met isn’t gone entirely. It makes him ache to see tears welling in his friend’s eyes. He knows he caused them.
[Plenty of people have told Eren they don’t see what people see in him. Now, he really doesn’t get it. Is he such a loss?
[He squeezes Subaru’s hands.]
Come here…
[He still sounds dull as he sits up on his knees, inching up close. He pulls Subaru against him, a hand resting over the nape of his neck. With a sigh, he rests his chin on top of Subaru’s head.
[Subaru, limp as a rag doll, lets himself be moved. The embrace is new, unfamiliar - sure, he’s been held before, and by the people he loves too, but this is different. He’d never expect this of Eren.
Another side to him, he supposes. He doesn’t stop getting to know him.
Craving closeness, craving comfort, Subaru curls into him, letting the tears flow. What is he even crying for anymore? He isn’t so sure himself.
But he holds onto him. Desperately, like he might disappear.]
[What else is there to do, really? At night, Eren curls up between Jean and Mikasa. Being held by them doesn’t always help, but he couldn’t imagine how it would feel without. There’s just not much he can give Subaru.
[He doesn’t have compassion for everyone. He cares about him.
[Fingers weave through Subaru’s hair on some instinct he doesn’t quite process. He’ll let him cry.]
[If it’s any consolation, Eren’s heart is, despite all odds, beat-beat-beating against where Subaru’s head is resting. Fingers still weave slowly through his hair. It’s just the way Jean does with Eren when he’s upset.]
How often do you cry like this…without anyone there?
[They’re the same. Eren doesn’t know how many friends Subaru has around, but he knows that even with his own surrounding him, he locks himself away.]
The words are simple, but the impact on Subaru is profound. All this time, he’s shouldered it all alone, kept his pain to himself, suffered in solitude with it all…
…it’s overwhelming, to think he won’t have to anymore.]
You really… [He looks up, face wet and red. It’s not the best he’s ever looked.] …mean that?
[Eren pulls away a little when Subaru does, though he keeps his arms around his neck. He nods, looking exhausted himself, but it has nothing to do with Subaru.]
I’ll be here for a long time. [He made that promise too.]
When I was…older…I hated that feeling of being alone.
But there’s no reason to do that in a place like this. If I have nothing to hide from you, then…you don’t have to either.
[It feels ridiculous to be worried about this with Eren, of all people, but…]
But…
[He’s never done that before]
The person I am, under all this… [He recalls a previous conversation. His chest hurts at the memory. Where was Rem, to believe in him when no one else did?] …you’d hate him, too.
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cw: vague implied suicide
He feels the blade at his throat once more.]
…But you kept trying, didn’t you?
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I...remember my death. It's all over now.
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Killing Betelgeuse never felt like a win. Despite all the curses he spouted, the bloodlust he felt at that man…
Who knows. Maybe he’d been someone like Eren before, too.
With all these thoughts weighing heavy in his head, he manages out, in a quiet voice:]
…I’m sorry.
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It's my fault. What I said...it isn't some excuse.
I wouldn't do that.
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[He does.]
But dying isn’t…
[’What you deserved’ - can he truly say that? The words fall flat on his tongue. How pathetic he is, not able to commit to his own beliefs.]
cw: suicide
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How…
[He lets go of his hands.]
How can you tell me that - after everything I’ve told you?!
cw: honestly here down suicide cw
Because it's the truth. At the time, I wanted to.
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Despite all his protests, he knows the feeling well. He’s been there - more than once. How long had he begged for death in that cavern? Hadn’t he taken his own life before?
But that was because he was cowardly. That’s because he could go back. He and death were intimate; it was never final.
No - he can’t get it. Death is terrifying. Death is horrific. Death is painful.]
…And what about now?
[His voice is cold.]
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No one can die here. Not really.
It doesn't matter.
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Do you know how awful dying is?!
[Something in his voice snaps.]
Do you know how many times I’ve died, just so that someone else could live? Do you know how many times I’ve seen the dead bodies of my friends, over and over -
[In all his anger, tears start to flow. This isn’t about Eren. It was never about Eren. Now, he just wants release.]
So don’t you tell me that it doesn’t matter whether you want to die or not!
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[...freedom.]
I do know.
I get why you're pissed.
[Maybe he ought to stop there. This isn't about him anymore. Still...]
I don't know how to answer that question the way you want me to. I'm not planning on dying. That has to be enough.
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It has to be. He has to take something. What more can he ask of Eren? That he just lie to him, for his sake?]
…Fine.
[After that outburst, he seems to calm slightly. Though, some tension still remains.
He picks back up the cloth and wipes down Eren’s hands.
He’s trembling a little.]
You can’t put me through that.
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[In the grand scheme of things, they don't know each other all that well. Mikasa, Jean; Eren can understand why they couldn't bear to lose him again. Levi would mourn too, maybe. But Subaru is the one whose hands are trembling, and he's saying, "You can't put me through that," like losing Eren would mean something.
[They understand each other in a way that no one else can. Eren made a promise to Subaru too; he won't let him shoulder that burden alone.
[He takes Subaru's hands, interrupting the cleaning. The bleeding's stopped for the most part. He thumbs over the boy's knuckles, frowning.]
I've promised a few people I'd stay alive.
I told you...[He lifts his head, tries to meet Subaru's eyes; searching, searching.] I won't leave you alone. So, I won't.
cw: flashbacks
He doesn’t want that. He can’t let that happen.
He’s finally found someone who understands - he can’t know loneliness like that again.
His hands lay weakly, limp, in Eren’s.]
Please… [His voice is small, desperate. Pathetic. Tears threaten to fall once more.] Please don’t.
lmk if this needs to change I know it’s bordering on godmodding
[Plenty of people have told Eren they don’t see what people see in him. Now, he really doesn’t get it. Is he such a loss?
[He squeezes Subaru’s hands.]
Come here…
[He still sounds dull as he sits up on his knees, inching up close. He pulls Subaru against him, a hand resting over the nape of his neck. With a sigh, he rests his chin on top of Subaru’s head.
[He’s so tired of people crying for him.]
I won’t.
you’re all good!!
Another side to him, he supposes. He doesn’t stop getting to know him.
Craving closeness, craving comfort, Subaru curls into him, letting the tears flow. What is he even crying for anymore? He isn’t so sure himself.
But he holds onto him. Desperately, like he might disappear.]
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[He doesn’t have compassion for everyone. He cares about him.
[Fingers weave through Subaru’s hair on some instinct he doesn’t quite process. He’ll let him cry.]
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It reminds him of the first time he cried in front of Emilia. That time, he simply fell asleep. There’s a tired ache in his heart.
He doesn’t care how it looks, not at the moment. He’s just staying here for now.]
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How often do you cry like this…without anyone there?
[They’re the same. Eren doesn’t know how many friends Subaru has around, but he knows that even with his own surrounding him, he locks himself away.]
You don’t have to do that anymore.
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The words are simple, but the impact on Subaru is profound. All this time, he’s shouldered it all alone, kept his pain to himself, suffered in solitude with it all…
…it’s overwhelming, to think he won’t have to anymore.]
You really… [He looks up, face wet and red. It’s not the best he’s ever looked.] …mean that?
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I’ll be here for a long time. [He made that promise too.]
When I was…older…I hated that feeling of being alone.
But there’s no reason to do that in a place like this. If I have nothing to hide from you, then…you don’t have to either.
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But…
[He’s never done that before]
The person I am, under all this… [He recalls a previous conversation. His chest hurts at the memory. Where was Rem, to believe in him when no one else did?] …you’d hate him, too.
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That could be true. When you told me I could tell you the truth, I didn't actually believe you'd still want anything to do with me.
[Eren has, if anything, the capacity for hate; he knows this very well now, but his arms are still draped over Subaru's shoulders.]
I don't think so, though. I'm not all that good at hating people I care about, as it turns out.
[Even Reiner, who destroyed his home, who took so many lives, who allowed Eren's mother to die...His heart aches.]
So, tell me. I want to know.
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But he remembers Rem, remembers how when he did the exact same thing to her, she responded with only love.
It takes the energy right out of him.]
…I’m the kind of man who continues to hate himself, even when someone special to him told him he was her hero.
[It feels like his greatest shame; that he can’t be the man Rem thinks - thought - he is.]
That’s right…even when someone believes in me, with all their heart, I throw it right back in their face.
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