[What else is there to do, really? At night, Eren curls up between Jean and Mikasa. Being held by them doesn’t always help, but he couldn’t imagine how it would feel without. There’s just not much he can give Subaru.
[He doesn’t have compassion for everyone. He cares about him.
[Fingers weave through Subaru’s hair on some instinct he doesn’t quite process. He’ll let him cry.]
[If it’s any consolation, Eren’s heart is, despite all odds, beat-beat-beating against where Subaru’s head is resting. Fingers still weave slowly through his hair. It’s just the way Jean does with Eren when he’s upset.]
How often do you cry like this…without anyone there?
[They’re the same. Eren doesn’t know how many friends Subaru has around, but he knows that even with his own surrounding him, he locks himself away.]
The words are simple, but the impact on Subaru is profound. All this time, he’s shouldered it all alone, kept his pain to himself, suffered in solitude with it all…
…it’s overwhelming, to think he won’t have to anymore.]
You really… [He looks up, face wet and red. It’s not the best he’s ever looked.] …mean that?
[Eren pulls away a little when Subaru does, though he keeps his arms around his neck. He nods, looking exhausted himself, but it has nothing to do with Subaru.]
I’ll be here for a long time. [He made that promise too.]
When I was…older…I hated that feeling of being alone.
But there’s no reason to do that in a place like this. If I have nothing to hide from you, then…you don’t have to either.
[It feels ridiculous to be worried about this with Eren, of all people, but…]
But…
[He’s never done that before]
The person I am, under all this… [He recalls a previous conversation. His chest hurts at the memory. Where was Rem, to believe in him when no one else did?] …you’d hate him, too.
[That’s…it? Subaru’s greatest sin…is hating himself? Eren looks genuinely perplexed - the first real break in his expression since they started talking.
[Fingers scratch idly at the nape of Subaru’s neck. Eren frowns.]
We’re the same…you and me.
[They really are. Eren knew Subaru was full of shit when they first met. Why did he continue bothering with him? There’s something real there.]
[Eren's not sure if he's imagining Subaru smiling against his skin, or if it's just his imagination. He knows this disappointment well. He rests his cheek on top of Subaru's head again, fingers still skating over the nape of his neck. He's really not the one to ought to help with this sort of thing...]
If that's the truth, then we really are the same...
[Eren's tired of hearing platitudes about how he can change things, have a life here, be something better. He's not something better, and he'll never be able to deny that now.
[But they're here. It has to be enough. They have no choice but to live.
[Back home, there wasn't time to do things like hold someone while they cry; so much reason to. This place is different. They can, at least, have something like this.]
I don't know if you still have a chance to make it up to her. I won't placate you...
[It’s weirdly reassuring to hear Eren saying they’re the same. There’s no attempts to convince Subaru he’s anything other than what he admits to, but acceptance of him all the same.
Maybe he doesn’t have to be a good person. He doesn’t have to be a hero.
And maybe that can still be enough.
The idea floors him. Tentatively, he speaks.]
…Even if I’m a coward, someone who’s all talk, who’s never done anything worthwhile in his life?
[Subaru pulls away to look at him, and Eren's chest misses the weight, the warmth. Subaru's doing as much for him as he's doing for Subaru. He frowns, and for a minute, he looks human again. His arms don't leave his friend.]
I didn't deserve that party...and I don't deserve anyone's care...
Don't deny it - we both know it's true.
Still, I...[Why can't he meet Subaru's eyes, suddenly?]
I didn't want you to hate me. I don't...
[And after Eren confessed everything, and Subaru didn't hate him - looking at him feels completely different now. Idly, Eren realizes his heart is racing.]
[At that, Subaru’s face softens. Even though he’s a useless person, he still managed to make someone he cares about feel better.
And that’s what it’s about, right?]
…I’m glad. [There’s a warmth to his smile, his eyes.] I meant what I said, you know. I’m going to save you. Not because you’re a good person, who deserves it…but because I want to.
[Eren can't be saved. He knows that now; he also knows what it's like to need something to fight for, and the emptiness he feels now that he has nothing. If that's what Subaru needs, then he won't take it from him.
[He's so much more than he was when they first met. Eren will never be able to look at him the same way; will never be unseen again.
[It isn't fair, the way he leans forward, presses their foreheads together. To be loved by Eren is to suffer. Subaru will get burned too. He closes his eyes.]
I guess...there's nothing I can do to stop you, then. Subaru.
[Eren is…awfully close. He has been for a while now, with the two of them entangled, but only now has he really become aware of it.
It makes his pulse quicken. He doesn’t know what to attribute it to.
There’s the impulse to pull away, embarrassed, but isn’t that reading too much into it? He and Eren are just sharing a moment, one that means so much to both of them. He’d loathe to ruin it.]
…Guess not. [He says, after too long a pause. His words are a little too quick, voice a little too nervous.] S-so don’t try to fight it, okay?
[It feels good to be close; something natural to Eren. He never did shy away from getting close to a friend, a comrade, when the situation called for it. In the cadets' barracks, they all shared beds. It's natural, but...
[There is this impulse - it screams "fuck it". Nothing matters anymore. With their heads pressed together, he can feel breath on his lips, and he knows what comes next.
[But he and Subaru aren't like that.
[Eren leans away. When he drops his arms from around Subaru's neck, he brushes a hand roughly through the boy's hair.]
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[He doesn’t have compassion for everyone. He cares about him.
[Fingers weave through Subaru’s hair on some instinct he doesn’t quite process. He’ll let him cry.]
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It reminds him of the first time he cried in front of Emilia. That time, he simply fell asleep. There’s a tired ache in his heart.
He doesn’t care how it looks, not at the moment. He’s just staying here for now.]
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How often do you cry like this…without anyone there?
[They’re the same. Eren doesn’t know how many friends Subaru has around, but he knows that even with his own surrounding him, he locks himself away.]
You don’t have to do that anymore.
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The words are simple, but the impact on Subaru is profound. All this time, he’s shouldered it all alone, kept his pain to himself, suffered in solitude with it all…
…it’s overwhelming, to think he won’t have to anymore.]
You really… [He looks up, face wet and red. It’s not the best he’s ever looked.] …mean that?
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I’ll be here for a long time. [He made that promise too.]
When I was…older…I hated that feeling of being alone.
But there’s no reason to do that in a place like this. If I have nothing to hide from you, then…you don’t have to either.
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But…
[He’s never done that before]
The person I am, under all this… [He recalls a previous conversation. His chest hurts at the memory. Where was Rem, to believe in him when no one else did?] …you’d hate him, too.
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That could be true. When you told me I could tell you the truth, I didn't actually believe you'd still want anything to do with me.
[Eren has, if anything, the capacity for hate; he knows this very well now, but his arms are still draped over Subaru's shoulders.]
I don't think so, though. I'm not all that good at hating people I care about, as it turns out.
[Even Reiner, who destroyed his home, who took so many lives, who allowed Eren's mother to die...His heart aches.]
So, tell me. I want to know.
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But he remembers Rem, remembers how when he did the exact same thing to her, she responded with only love.
It takes the energy right out of him.]
…I’m the kind of man who continues to hate himself, even when someone special to him told him he was her hero.
[It feels like his greatest shame; that he can’t be the man Rem thinks - thought - he is.]
That’s right…even when someone believes in me, with all their heart, I throw it right back in their face.
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[Fingers scratch idly at the nape of Subaru’s neck. Eren frowns.]
We’re the same…you and me.
[They really are. Eren knew Subaru was full of shit when they first met. Why did he continue bothering with him? There’s something real there.]
I don’t hate you.
If you hate yourself…I don’t blame you.
How could I…?
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Subaru’s instinct is to snap those words out, just as he did back then.
But Eren…he gets it, doesn’t he? To some degree, he does. And by his admission, he’s no good person either. There’s a common ground there.
He buries his face into his neck, hiding his shameful face.]
…She really believed in me. She really believed this guy could be something more - a hero - when really, I’m just a worthless piece of trash.
[He smiles. He can’t help it. It feels so good to let it out.]
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If that's the truth, then we really are the same...
[Eren's tired of hearing platitudes about how he can change things, have a life here, be something better. He's not something better, and he'll never be able to deny that now.
[But they're here. It has to be enough. They have no choice but to live.
[Back home, there wasn't time to do things like hold someone while they cry; so much reason to. This place is different. They can, at least, have something like this.]
I don't know if you still have a chance to make it up to her. I won't placate you...
Still, I don't hate you. Whatever you are.
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Maybe he doesn’t have to be a good person. He doesn’t have to be a hero.
And maybe that can still be enough.
The idea floors him. Tentatively, he speaks.]
…Even if I’m a coward, someone who’s all talk, who’s never done anything worthwhile in his life?
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I'm just the same as you.
[...]
It's a shit consolation, but what you've done...is worth something to me.
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It feels like it means a lot, actually.
He peels himself from Eren, just enough to look at him properly.]
…Really?
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I didn't deserve that party...and I don't deserve anyone's care...
Don't deny it - we both know it's true.
Still, I...[Why can't he meet Subaru's eyes, suddenly?]
I didn't want you to hate me. I don't...
[And after Eren confessed everything, and Subaru didn't hate him - looking at him feels completely different now. Idly, Eren realizes his heart is racing.]
It felt better...sleeping that night. After you.
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And that’s what it’s about, right?]
…I’m glad. [There’s a warmth to his smile, his eyes.] I meant what I said, you know. I’m going to save you. Not because you’re a good person, who deserves it…but because I want to.
[He can be a selfish guy like that.]
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[He's so much more than he was when they first met. Eren will never be able to look at him the same way; will never be unseen again.
[It isn't fair, the way he leans forward, presses their foreheads together. To be loved by Eren is to suffer. Subaru will get burned too. He closes his eyes.]
I guess...there's nothing I can do to stop you, then. Subaru.
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It makes his pulse quicken. He doesn’t know what to attribute it to.
There’s the impulse to pull away, embarrassed, but isn’t that reading too much into it? He and Eren are just sharing a moment, one that means so much to both of them. He’d loathe to ruin it.]
…Guess not. [He says, after too long a pause. His words are a little too quick, voice a little too nervous.] S-so don’t try to fight it, okay?
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[It feels good to be close; something natural to Eren. He never did shy away from getting close to a friend, a comrade, when the situation called for it. In the cadets' barracks, they all shared beds. It's natural, but...
[There is this impulse - it screams "fuck it". Nothing matters anymore. With their heads pressed together, he can feel breath on his lips, and he knows what comes next.
[But he and Subaru aren't like that.
[Eren leans away. When he drops his arms from around Subaru's neck, he brushes a hand roughly through the boy's hair.]
Alright. I won't, then.
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Just what exactly was that?
There’s no time, no chance to unpack it. Everything’s moved on. He decides he doesn’t need to.
They’re just friends. They’re just really good friends.]
R-right… [He’s a little dazed, but then nods.] Good! Yeah, that’s good.
[Help him.]
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We're not done yet.
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[He sighs, back to his usual self. He takes his hand and gets up.]
Wait - we didn’t even get to have lunch yet!