What I mean is, you’re really intense! You don’t have a lot of boundaries and just go for it, getting real close and personal…
[Yeah, he’s aware of how his tone is.]
I said there wasn’t anything wrong with it, but… [He looks a little hesitant. He’s avoided confronting it all this while.] It gets kind of confusing, you know?
[Oh, seeing that look in Eren’s eyes makes his heart clench. It feels bad. Has he done the wrong thing, here…?
He sighs.]
Man, I’ve really gone about this the wrong way, huh?
[There’s no going back. No resets. How daunting.]
…It really stirs up some weird feelings inside of me, that I don’t even know how to make sense of. [After all, he’s in love with Emilia, right?] But…selfishly, I don’t want you to stop. I want to keep feeling those things, even if they’re confusing.
[Ah. Their knees touch yet again. Eren keeps his there this time.
[Subaru might not be sure what he wants, or he might just have a weird way of talking around something he doesn't fully understand. Eren doesn't want to keep teasing him; doesn't feel so fun anymore. Some of his confidence is renewed, though. He thought by Subaru's next sentence he'd be telling him something Eren really didn't want to hear...
[He hasn't, though.
[Eren reaches over for Subaru's hand and takes it with both of his; brings it to his lap.]
It's pretty simple on my end, if you want to know the truth.
[Eren pulls Subaru's hand upward, tilting his head down, and pressing the bridge of his nose against the other boy's knuckles. He lets his eyes close, lashes fluttering against Subaru's skin. It isn't a move. It's just what he wants to do; feels natural, and that's kind of the whole issue with Subaru...
[He doesn't lift his head, nor release Subaru's hand, as he speaks.]
I want to be close to you. Every time I see you, I feel like kissing you, but I haven't. I don't want to scare you away.
[He turns his face, cheek pressing down where his nose had been.]
If you told me I could, I'd kiss you whenever I wanted to. I'd kiss you a lot...
[The gentle touch of his eyelashes, the soft skin of his cheek…it’s all so overwhelming for Subaru. He hasn’t gotten this close with anyone, not even Emilia.
Emilia, Emilia…was it really okay? She wasn’t here. His heart yearns for her, but it’s also found a place for someone else he vowed to save.
Maybe…that was okay?
What Eren’s telling him feels surreal; never could he have guessed that was what was going on in his head all this time. With him - when Eren had his own wife and husband?]
Man, you really have some questionable taste…
[He jokes, but it’s true. It’s not an affection he’s had to fight for. What on Earth did he do to earn it?
His voice takes a softer tone. He doesn’t know his feelings yet, himself. But maybe he’s on the way to figuring them out.]
…You really think that would scare me away, after everything you’ve told me?
[It’s a little silly, right? To think that a kiss or lying close would be a worse sin than destroying the world. Yeah, but, then again, there’s only so much Eren deserves, and he knows it isn’t Subaru’s love, or Mikasa’s, or Jean’s, or Thorfinn’s - or anyone’s.
[”Questionable taste”, Subaru says, but Eren could say the same back, and a hundred times more.
[They’re both here, and they both hate themselves - but it feels better to sit beside Subaru on the couch with a racing heart and a nervous itch. He doesn’t ever want to be alone again, to feel that clawing, awful emptiness at its worst.
[Subaru’s hand is still in his, and he isn’t running away. Sometimes Eren thinks that loving him is a worse fate than anything he could have done intentionally. Subaru should be scared away; he isn’t.
[Eren puts Subaru’s knuckles to his lips, but doesn’t press them down; warmth breath, soft skin.]
You’re special to me…[Soft words. He kisses Subaru’s knuckles - once, twice, three times. He doesn’t have to be special for anyone else. It’s alright to be a girlfailure an average guy. Eren likes him. He wants him…
[He shifts on the couch to better face Subaru. Keeping the boy’s hands in his, he lowers them back down to their laps, leans in, presses their foreheads gently together.]
[All of a sudden, Subaru finds it very difficult to look at Eren. It feels ridiculous for him to be so flustered, and yet, all he wants to do is hide his face in his palms.
Get a grip, Subaru Natsuki.
But then those words come - that he’s special, that he’s wanted - and he just wants to sink into the feeling that comes with it. He can feel Eren’s breath on his face, but he feels no desire to push him away.
Ah, it finally makes sense now.]
If that’s what you really want. [There’s no way he can approach this smoothly. He’s not suave. He’s blushing furiously and barely able to get his words out.] I’m no catch or anything…
[There’s no point in further self-deprecation; Eren’s already fully aware. But still.]
[Subaru really must hate himself. Their sins aren’t comparable, but Eren knows he and Subaru are just the same in ways; many ways…
[Eren can’t keep someone from hating themself. He feels no real need to try. It’s something he and Subaru can share. But Subaru doesn’t hate Eren, and Eren doesn’t hate Subaru. It works.
[Aside from all that, Eren in his loneliness, in his hatred, has always been surrounded by unconditional love - so much so that it makes him feel sick at times. Subaru doesn’t seem to have anyone. Eren could love him enough…]
You’re special to me…[He repeats it, lip brushing lip as he speaks. Scabbed over knuckles skate gently over Subaru’s warm cheek. Eren’s hand uncurls, palm cupping the side of Subaru’s face.
[Has Subaru ever had a kiss before? Eren’s gotten good at them. He connects their lips, moving warm and slow; a first kiss should leave an impression. Eren wants Subaru’s doubts to shrivel up and disappear, be washed away by a wave. Know me. He’ll tell him everything he needs to hear with a kiss like this.]
[There’s a brief flash of panic when his lips meet the other’s; was this really what he wanted? What about Emilia? What about -
- it all falls away in a second. He’s filled with warmth, warmth he can fall into and drown in. He feels needed, wanted. All those questions, all those doubts fade away into nothing. Suddenly, he’s very sure of what he wants.
He raises a hand, rests it on the base of Eren’s neck, parts his lips to reciprocate the kiss.
[There’s no way for Subaru to know - even Eren only knows on a subconscious, instinctual level - what resting his hand over the nape of Eren’s neck means. He isn’t properly human; hasn’t been for a long time. Even here, in this place, without his abilities, he remembers how it feels to be a titan shifter - especially now. A blow to the nape of a titan’s neck is a death sentence, shifter or not. Eren’s lived with those instincts since he was ten years old. The most vulnerable thing about him is cradled, protected; safety, trust, pours over him. It’s desperately needed.
[It’s a good kiss. It’s a very good kiss. Eren’s free hand finds its way to Subaru’s chest and splays out flat, resting.
[He’s reluctant to break away, and generally prone to pushing further, but he doesn’t want to overwhelm Subaru. Aside from that, the physical sensation of kissing is nice, but…not really the point. Eren made it sound like wanting to kiss him was the big issue; not so…
[He cares about him a lot.
[He lets their lips part, resting his forehead against Subaru’s. The hand on the other boy’s cheek drifts down, Eren letting his fingers trail affectionately over Subaru’s lips until the hand joins his other on the boy’s chest.]
[It’s over far too quickly. Subaru opens his eyes (he didn’t even realise he’d let them fall shut) and gazes down at where Eren’s hands have chosen to rest. They can probably feel his heart racing. He’s not too embarrassed by that anymore.]
Yeah… [He says, a little dazed. It’s like he’s just woken up.] Not bad at all, huh?
[He keeps his hand on his neck, steady. He won’t tell him this is his first time.]
[Boyfriend…he’s never been anyone’s boyfriend, as much as he wanted it. There’s many new things happening, here.]
…I really like you, too. [It’s the first he’s admitted it. Even at this point, it doesn’t feel redundant to say.] But, you know, I also really like Emilia-tan…
[He doesn’t know how to navigate this, honestly.]
But you’ve got Mikasa and Jean, too. [And any other partners he’s neglected to mention.] So I suppose that doesn’t bother you, does it…?
[How did that conversation with Jean and Mikasa go all those months ago…?]
I don’t really see why someone should only be with one person if they love someone else too.
Sometimes you might get jealous, I guess, but it’s not really a big deal. [Mikasa doesn’t like to hear the details about Eren’s other relationships (outside of Jean), but that’s not Subaru’s burden to bear.]
I want you to be with Emilia-tan. She’s like…the love of your life.
But while we’re here…[He shrugs a bit. It’s not as if Eren would want Subaru to leave him if Emilia-tan were to show up or something, but…he doesn’t really think he’d be the type of person to do something like that.]
[It takes him a moment, but eventually he sighs with some relief.]
When you put it like that, there’s really no fighting with that logic…
[Whilst they were here, what point is there denying himself what he clearly wants? Especially - as was said to him - it could be ripped away at any moment.]
Alright. It’s some pretty daunting stuff, but I’ll do my best to be a good boyfriend...!
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Of course you don’t. To you it’s just normal, right?
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You aren't saying what you mean.
"Full-on." Tell me what you're talking about.
[Maybe it really is just that Eren can't understand, but...he's trying to, at least.]
You almost say it like it's a bad thing. Also said it doesn't bother you...
[Was that in person, or on the post? Who cares, anymore...]
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[Yeah, he’s aware of how his tone is.]
I said there wasn’t anything wrong with it, but… [He looks a little hesitant. He’s avoided confronting it all this while.] It gets kind of confusing, you know?
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[Yeah, Eren's not feeling all that confident anymore at all. He stills his knee, keeping it from bumping into Subaru's again for the moment.]
If I told you I knew that was you, would you still be confused?
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I - [And all that other stuff he said?? What about that??] I guess not.
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You confused me more than I confused you, Subaru. I really can't tell if you mind or not at all.
Kinda figured you'd say something if you did, though.
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He sighs.]
Man, I’ve really gone about this the wrong way, huh?
[There’s no going back. No resets. How daunting.]
…It really stirs up some weird feelings inside of me, that I don’t even know how to make sense of. [After all, he’s in love with Emilia, right?] But…selfishly, I don’t want you to stop. I want to keep feeling those things, even if they’re confusing.
[It’s a really convoluted way of saying it, but…]
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[Subaru might not be sure what he wants, or he might just have a weird way of talking around something he doesn't fully understand. Eren doesn't want to keep teasing him; doesn't feel so fun anymore. Some of his confidence is renewed, though. He thought by Subaru's next sentence he'd be telling him something Eren really didn't want to hear...
[He hasn't, though.
[Eren reaches over for Subaru's hand and takes it with both of his; brings it to his lap.]
It's pretty simple on my end, if you want to know the truth.
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…Yeah?
[He feels he might already know, but he’ll let Eren say it to his face his time.]
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[He doesn't lift his head, nor release Subaru's hand, as he speaks.]
I want to be close to you. Every time I see you, I feel like kissing you, but I haven't. I don't want to scare you away.
[He turns his face, cheek pressing down where his nose had been.]
If you told me I could, I'd kiss you whenever I wanted to. I'd kiss you a lot...
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Emilia, Emilia…was it really okay? She wasn’t here. His heart yearns for her, but it’s also found a place for someone else he vowed to save.
Maybe…that was okay?
What Eren’s telling him feels surreal; never could he have guessed that was what was going on in his head all this time. With him - when Eren had his own wife and husband?]
Man, you really have some questionable taste…
[He jokes, but it’s true. It’s not an affection he’s had to fight for. What on Earth did he do to earn it?
His voice takes a softer tone. He doesn’t know his feelings yet, himself. But maybe he’s on the way to figuring them out.]
…You really think that would scare me away, after everything you’ve told me?
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[It’s a little silly, right? To think that a kiss or lying close would be a worse sin than destroying the world. Yeah, but, then again, there’s only so much Eren deserves, and he knows it isn’t Subaru’s love, or Mikasa’s, or Jean’s, or Thorfinn’s - or anyone’s.
[”Questionable taste”, Subaru says, but Eren could say the same back, and a hundred times more.
[They’re both here, and they both hate themselves - but it feels better to sit beside Subaru on the couch with a racing heart and a nervous itch. He doesn’t ever want to be alone again, to feel that clawing, awful emptiness at its worst.
[Subaru’s hand is still in his, and he isn’t running away. Sometimes Eren thinks that loving him is a worse fate than anything he could have done intentionally. Subaru should be scared away; he isn’t.
[Eren puts Subaru’s knuckles to his lips, but doesn’t press them down; warmth breath, soft skin.]
You’re special to me…[Soft words. He kisses Subaru’s knuckles - once, twice, three times. He doesn’t have to be special for anyone else. It’s alright to be
a girlfailurean average guy. Eren likes him. He wants him…[He shifts on the couch to better face Subaru. Keeping the boy’s hands in his, he lowers them back down to their laps, leans in, presses their foreheads gently together.]
I want you…Let me have you…
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Get a grip, Subaru Natsuki.
But then those words come - that he’s special, that he’s wanted - and he just wants to sink into the feeling that comes with it. He can feel Eren’s breath on his face, but he feels no desire to push him away.
Ah, it finally makes sense now.]
If that’s what you really want. [There’s no way he can approach this smoothly. He’s not suave. He’s blushing furiously and barely able to get his words out.] I’m no catch or anything…
[There’s no point in further self-deprecation; Eren’s already fully aware. But still.]
As long as you don’t mind that…
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[Eren can’t keep someone from hating themself. He feels no real need to try. It’s something he and Subaru can share. But Subaru doesn’t hate Eren, and Eren doesn’t hate Subaru. It works.
[Aside from all that, Eren in his loneliness, in his hatred, has always been surrounded by unconditional love - so much so that it makes him feel sick at times. Subaru doesn’t seem to have anyone. Eren could love him enough…]
You’re special to me…[He repeats it, lip brushing lip as he speaks. Scabbed over knuckles skate gently over Subaru’s warm cheek. Eren’s hand uncurls, palm cupping the side of Subaru’s face.
[Has Subaru ever had a kiss before? Eren’s gotten good at them. He connects their lips, moving warm and slow; a first kiss should leave an impression. Eren wants Subaru’s doubts to shrivel up and disappear, be washed away by a wave. Know me. He’ll tell him everything he needs to hear with a kiss like this.]
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- it all falls away in a second. He’s filled with warmth, warmth he can fall into and drown in. He feels needed, wanted. All those questions, all those doubts fade away into nothing. Suddenly, he’s very sure of what he wants.
He raises a hand, rests it on the base of Eren’s neck, parts his lips to reciprocate the kiss.
It’s his first one, so he’ll try his best.]
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[It’s a good kiss. It’s a very good kiss. Eren’s free hand finds its way to Subaru’s chest and splays out flat, resting.
[He’s reluctant to break away, and generally prone to pushing further, but he doesn’t want to overwhelm Subaru. Aside from that, the physical sensation of kissing is nice, but…not really the point. Eren made it sound like wanting to kiss him was the big issue; not so…
[He cares about him a lot.
[He lets their lips part, resting his forehead against Subaru’s. The hand on the other boy’s cheek drifts down, Eren letting his fingers trail affectionately over Subaru’s lips until the hand joins his other on the boy’s chest.]
Not bad…
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Yeah… [He says, a little dazed. It’s like he’s just woken up.] Not bad at all, huh?
[He keeps his hand on his neck, steady. He won’t tell him this is his first time.]
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Have you ever done that before…?
[Guys who talk about girls the way Subaru does never get any action. Eren’s pretty sure of that.]
[The way his heart is racing? Feels like a first kiss to Eren…]
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…Was it really that obvious..?!
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No. It was good. [They’re still close. Another kiss is stolen.]
I liked it.
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The extra kiss isn’t bad, either.]
Good.
[He sounds relieved. He lets a moment pass between them, before-]
So… [He looks down at the floor.] Does this mean - I mean, nothing has to change, but you know, usually, a kiss means…
[Oh god, he’s rambling. Help him, Eren.]
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It means I like you. You could be my boyfriend if you wanted. I figure there's no use waiting around to say it at this point...
Honestly, though...
[He kisses those knuckles; lowers their hands.]
It doesn't matter all that much what you call it. I just want to be with you.
[It's new - fast - but Eren doesn't have to think twice about it. No one knows how much time they have left here. It's the truth.]
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…I really like you, too. [It’s the first he’s admitted it. Even at this point, it doesn’t feel redundant to say.] But, you know, I also really like Emilia-tan…
[He doesn’t know how to navigate this, honestly.]
But you’ve got Mikasa and Jean, too. [And any other partners he’s neglected to mention.] So I suppose that doesn’t bother you, does it…?
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It doesn’t bother me at all, I mean…
[How did that conversation with Jean and Mikasa go all those months ago…?]
I don’t really see why someone should only be with one person if they love someone else too.
Sometimes you might get jealous, I guess, but it’s not really a big deal. [Mikasa doesn’t like to hear the details about Eren’s other relationships (outside of Jean), but that’s not Subaru’s burden to bear.]
I want you to be with Emilia-tan. She’s like…the love of your life.
But while we’re here…[He shrugs a bit. It’s not as if Eren would want Subaru to leave him if Emilia-tan were to show up or something, but…he doesn’t really think he’d be the type of person to do something like that.]
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When you put it like that, there’s really no fighting with that logic…
[Whilst they were here, what point is there denying himself what he clearly wants? Especially - as was said to him - it could be ripped away at any moment.]
Alright. It’s some pretty daunting stuff, but I’ll do my best to be a good boyfriend...!
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