[Subaru can be moved easily, like a bag of flour, putting up no resistance whatsoever. Still, even as Jean turns him, he looks away; he anticipates seeing a pain in his eyes, and knows he’s the cause of it.
He pauses before answering.]
…We were fighting Night Sky. She was possessed, she…she killed him. [Some life enters his voice; anger, with a clench of his teeth and fists. It’s not at Night Sky, though, his anger doesn’t truly lie with her, it-] I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t do anything.
[ Jean shifts his hold so that he can grip both of Subaru's shoulders - not harshly, never harshly. Subaru avoiding his gaze isn't entirely a surprise, nor is the order of events. Of course Eren would try to fight someone, and he's been fighting sloppily this entire time.
Subaru's lucky he's not dead, either, but that will be no comfort to the other boy. Instead, Jean's pained expression stays that way, without anger in it. ]
[ His tone isn't harsh, and after a moment he looks away. He should really get water, disinfectant, things that will keep Subaru from getting an infection. He takes a deep breath. ]
I'm mad at Eren for trying to fight Night Sky. I'm upset he put you in that position. I wish you didn't have to - to go through any of this shit. None of it is anything you did.
[ Everything was out of Subaru's control. If anything, he really is more angry at Eren. And anger is easier to hold onto than falling apart right now. ]
[ Now Jean's tone is harsh - but it's not really directed at Subaru. No, this anger is all what he's been holding in at himself, for never being able to save Eren. ]
What do you think you could have done, Subaru, that would have made a difference?
Powerless as he is here, there was - is - nothing he can do. There was no return by death here. His one trump card, gone from his hand.
What could he possibly have done?]
…There’s always something. [In every loop, against every obstacle, there’s always been a way around it. He’s just never been good at getting it on the first try.] There had to have been something I could do!
i love how we have subaru, the looper guy, and jean, the guy who can't redo anything :chefskiss:
[ The harsh tone leaves Jean's voice all at once and leaves him sounding tired. ]
You take anything you learned from it - and you do better the next time. With the next person, and hopefully you don't lose them this time. Or again, in Eren's case.
[ The only solace here is, Vaeros willing, Eren will come back. ]
He should. I've ... never had to wait someone here out before.
[ Jean gives Subaru's shoulders another squeeze, more of a comforting move this time. He looks tired, sad; older than his twenty years would suggest of him. He's seen a lot of death; some of it by Eren's hand, and twice now Eren's own passing. ]
You can stay here, if you want.
[ Jean adds: ]
It'd be nice, if you did.
[ Jean would be alone too, with Eren gone. At worst, he can go to Dolph's house, but he doesn't know if Subaru has someone like that he can stay with. ]
[With all the responsibility he feels over the situation, he finds it easy to accept Jean’s offer.]
Thanks.
[He closes his eyes for a brief moment. It’s all so exhausting. He’s seen death so many times, yet he’s never gotten used to it.]
…I can help you cook, if you’d like. [He can’t help the way his face eases into a fond sort of smile, despite everything.] I don’t think Eren would let us get away without eating.
[Yeah, that. Up until now, he’d completely ignored his own wounds. His gaze trails downwards. If he’s trailed blood in through the house, he’ll owe them some serious apologies.]
[ There is blood on the floor, and Jean doesn't care. He'll clean it up or make Eren do it as some kind of fucked up penance, probably. ]
You're allowed to be. Go sit down, I'll finish getting some supplies together.
[ He reaches down and ruffles Subaru's hair without thinking too hard about it, before he points him towards one of the kitchen chairs. It probably won't be the worst wounds Jean's ever dealt with, but he's not going to be brusque about it. ]
[Subaru takes a seat on one of the chairs, giving his legs a concerned look-over. It’s not the worst state he’s been in - far from losing an eye or a limb - but it’s still not pretty.]
Sounds like you’re pretty used to this kind of thing.
[ Jean disappears from view for a couple minutes, returning with an actual medical kit, as well as a collection of bandages and a pair of surgical scissors, as well as towels and a bowl of water. The scissors make their use clear right away, as he cuts away the shreds of Subaru's pants carefully. ]
I don't know if Eren's told you anything about where we come from, but it's brutal. We all got the same on the field training for emergencies. Eren had the benefit of being able to heal if he got hurt, though. The rest of us, and Mikasa, are just human, so we had to be careful.
[ As he looks at Subaru's legs and feet, though, he lets out a small sigh. ]
There's a lot, but most of it seems shallow. You'll probably have some wicked scars, even if you heal this up.
[ Though the chew toy to dogs is a concerning vision, Jean's smiling when he comments on Subaru's comment about Eren. That's just the kind of relationship he and Eren have - they deeply care about each other, but they're also the type to quibble with each other over the most ridiculous things.
He wets one of the towels to gingerly start scrubbing off the dirt, blood, and plant matter - actually, it seems like some thorns have lodged themselves into Subaru's legs, so he produces a pair of tweezers to gingerly tug them out as he does it. ]
You normally wouldn't have to do much convincing to get him to.
[ But he has been different, since Mikasa left - more focused, full of rage. Ironically, much more like the young Eren who hadn't learned better than the one he knows. ]
Despite appearances, he really is an affectionate guy, huh?
[The particulars of Jean’s wording aren’t missed by Subaru. It’s not that he hasn’t noticed it too, that Eren wasn’t quite himself. He’d seen his bloodlust before, but this was…different.
He winces, as the thorns are pulled out, involuntarily jerking his leg.]
I meant to ask him, but…[He’s dead now.] since I can’t, I figure you’re the next best option. Did something happen?
[ Jean's not actually judging him, though. They're just two guys who used to fight rather than admit they were worried about each other. They still act this way, to be fair, but Jean's a little more in tune with how he's feeling.
He makes an apologetic, soothing noise when Subaru jerks his leg, but doesn't grab it or accidentally jab him - he's used to twitchy patients.
At the question, though, Jean glances to the side, where 'their' room is. Neither of them have slept in it, so the door remains solidly closed. ]
Mikasa... she's not here anymore. When the Knight showed up, I thought maybe she'd been taken but her things are missing.
[ Her network ID is dead, as well. Grief is visible all over Jean's face again, but he knows Mikasa and Eren were even closer than he was. ]
[Subaru lowers his head. He didn’t know Mikasa, but he knew what she meant to Eren. It’d be like if he lost Emilia, but…at least he has Emilia to go back home to. He knows that Eren’s future is more bleak.
The grief on Jean’s face makes it all too clear what the answer to his next question will be.]
There’s no way of knowing if she’s coming back, is there…?
[ Of this, Jean is certain. Why would either of them choose to return to a world where Eren is dead? For all the pain and suffering they've dealt with here, it's still nothing compared to back home.
In this, Subaru's wounds provide a good distraction, Jean carefully removing the last of some thorns and then gently wiping away blood. As he speaks, his voice is as gentle as his hands. ]
I hope... one day, she comes back. But I don't know if Eren has the ability to hope for that, anymore.
[Subaru’s been there; he knows what it’s like to live without hope, and though he’s managed to bounce back from it, he’d never wish that on anyone else.
Let alone someone he loves.
He sighs, and folds his arms.]
Then there’s nothing for it. You and me - [And Thorfinn, but he’s not part of this conversation.] - have just got to take extra-good care of him until if she ever comes back.
[ Jean looks up and gives Subaru a small smile, before he looks down. ]
I know what it's like to lose someone and know you're not going to get them back, no matter how hard you wish for it. I don't know if it'd be fair to him to ask him to hope. But I can show him how to keep living and find happiness, even after it's so painful you think you could die.
[ Marco, Sasha, Bertholdt, even people like Floch... they'd all been important to Jean. All gone. ]
And even if he never gets better... I'll still take care of him.
[Subaru’s never been good at accepting losses; every one he’s faced, he’s resolved to repair it, to fix things - and he’s had the power to.
It leaves him uniquely unequipped to face a situation like this, when he’s coasted by so far on hope and determination.
He can’t help but admire Jean’s resolve.]
Already…you’re really good to him, huh?
[The fact makes him feel a little inadequate; all this talk of saving Eren, and what has he managed to achieve? What is even his game plan here? Whereas Jean, he’s strong, reliable, he’s got it all figured out.
He lets out another sigh.]
I have some serious making-up to do. I owe him… [A lot, it turns out.] …better than I’ve given him.
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He pauses before answering.]
…We were fighting Night Sky. She was possessed, she…she killed him. [Some life enters his voice; anger, with a clench of his teeth and fists. It’s not at Night Sky, though, his anger doesn’t truly lie with her, it-] I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t do anything.
[The weak Subaru Natsuki never could.]
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Subaru's lucky he's not dead, either, but that will be no comfort to the other boy. Instead, Jean's pained expression stays that way, without anger in it. ]
Whatever you tried - it's enough that you did.
[ He squeezes his shoulders again. ]
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He ventures a look into his eyes. As expected, the pain is too much to bear; but this is his penance.]
Why…aren’t you angry…?
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[ His tone isn't harsh, and after a moment he looks away. He should really get water, disinfectant, things that will keep Subaru from getting an infection. He takes a deep breath. ]
I'm mad at Eren for trying to fight Night Sky. I'm upset he put you in that position. I wish you didn't have to - to go through any of this shit. None of it is anything you did.
[ Everything was out of Subaru's control. If anything, he really is more angry at Eren. And anger is easier to hold onto than falling apart right now. ]
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But I was there. I could have done something. [He clenches his fist.] I should have done something!
[He cowered away from it before, but now he wants it - Jean’s anger, as some kind of retribution.]
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[ Now Jean's tone is harsh - but it's not really directed at Subaru. No, this anger is all what he's been holding in at himself, for never being able to save Eren. ]
What do you think you could have done, Subaru, that would have made a difference?
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Powerless as he is here, there was - is - nothing he can do. There was no return by death here. His one trump card, gone from his hand.
What could he possibly have done?]
…There’s always something. [In every loop, against every obstacle, there’s always been a way around it. He’s just never been good at getting it on the first try.] There had to have been something I could do!
i love how we have subaru, the looper guy, and jean, the guy who can't redo anything :chefskiss:
[ The harsh tone leaves Jean's voice all at once and leaves him sounding tired. ]
You take anything you learned from it - and you do better the next time. With the next person, and hopefully you don't lose them this time. Or again, in Eren's case.
[ The only solace here is, Vaeros willing, Eren will come back. ]
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The fight leaves Subaru, shoulders sagging. Jean’s right, and he can’t argue with that. Whatever his regrets, it’s done. He can’t do anything more.
All there is left now is to move forward, and wait.]
…he will come back, won’t he?
[It feels stupid to ask - but he’s been to lucky, never experienced death here before. The prospect seems too good to be true.]
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[ Jean gives Subaru's shoulders another squeeze, more of a comforting move this time. He looks tired, sad; older than his twenty years would suggest of him. He's seen a lot of death; some of it by Eren's hand, and twice now Eren's own passing. ]
You can stay here, if you want.
[ Jean adds: ]
It'd be nice, if you did.
[ Jean would be alone too, with Eren gone. At worst, he can go to Dolph's house, but he doesn't know if Subaru has someone like that he can stay with. ]
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Thanks.
[He closes his eyes for a brief moment. It’s all so exhausting. He’s seen death so many times, yet he’s never gotten used to it.]
…I can help you cook, if you’d like. [He can’t help the way his face eases into a fond sort of smile, despite everything.] I don’t think Eren would let us get away without eating.
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Oh, he'd throw a fit about it. We don't have food like this back home, or something like that.
[ Jean raises one hand to press at his own forehead, easing the headache he can surely feel building. ]
Lets get you cleaned up first, though. Need to figure out if those cuts on your legs need stitches.
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[Yeah, that. Up until now, he’d completely ignored his own wounds. His gaze trails downwards. If he’s trailed blood in through the house, he’ll owe them some serious apologies.]
Sorry, I’m a total mess.
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You're allowed to be. Go sit down, I'll finish getting some supplies together.
[ He reaches down and ruffles Subaru's hair without thinking too hard about it, before he points him towards one of the kitchen chairs. It probably won't be the worst wounds Jean's ever dealt with, but he's not going to be brusque about it. ]
cw: dismemberment/eye trauma mentions
Sounds like you’re pretty used to this kind of thing.
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I don't know if Eren's told you anything about where we come from, but it's brutal. We all got the same on the field training for emergencies. Eren had the benefit of being able to heal if he got hurt, though. The rest of us, and Mikasa, are just human, so we had to be careful.
[ As he looks at Subaru's legs and feet, though, he lets out a small sigh. ]
There's a lot, but most of it seems shallow. You'll probably have some wicked scars, even if you heal this up.
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[He supposes, in a world like that, it really isn’t too surprising that someone should have at least basic medical knowledge.
At Jean’s assessment, he feels some relief.]
I’ve got plenty of those from playing chew toy for a pack of dogs, so what’s a couple more?
[He chuckles, then, to himself.]
Ah…maybe I should get Ere-chan to kiss it better when he gets back.
tw: cleaning of wounds???
[ Though the chew toy to dogs is a concerning vision, Jean's smiling when he comments on Subaru's comment about Eren. That's just the kind of relationship he and Eren have - they deeply care about each other, but they're also the type to quibble with each other over the most ridiculous things.
He wets one of the towels to gingerly start scrubbing off the dirt, blood, and plant matter - actually, it seems like some thorns have lodged themselves into Subaru's legs, so he produces a pair of tweezers to gingerly tug them out as he does it. ]
You normally wouldn't have to do much convincing to get him to.
[ But he has been different, since Mikasa left - more focused, full of rage. Ironically, much more like the young Eren who hadn't learned better than the one he knows. ]
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[The particulars of Jean’s wording aren’t missed by Subaru. It’s not that he hasn’t noticed it too, that Eren wasn’t quite himself. He’d seen his bloodlust before, but this was…different.
He winces, as the thorns are pulled out, involuntarily jerking his leg.]
I meant to ask him, but…[He’s dead now.] since I can’t, I figure you’re the next best option. Did something happen?
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[ Jean's not actually judging him, though. They're just two guys who used to fight rather than admit they were worried about each other. They still act this way, to be fair, but Jean's a little more in tune with how he's feeling.
He makes an apologetic, soothing noise when Subaru jerks his leg, but doesn't grab it or accidentally jab him - he's used to twitchy patients.
At the question, though, Jean glances to the side, where 'their' room is. Neither of them have slept in it, so the door remains solidly closed. ]
Mikasa... she's not here anymore. When the Knight showed up, I thought maybe she'd been taken but her things are missing.
[ Her network ID is dead, as well. Grief is visible all over Jean's face again, but he knows Mikasa and Eren were even closer than he was. ]
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[Subaru lowers his head. He didn’t know Mikasa, but he knew what she meant to Eren. It’d be like if he lost Emilia, but…at least he has Emilia to go back home to. He knows that Eren’s future is more bleak.
The grief on Jean’s face makes it all too clear what the answer to his next question will be.]
There’s no way of knowing if she’s coming back, is there…?
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[ Of this, Jean is certain. Why would either of them choose to return to a world where Eren is dead? For all the pain and suffering they've dealt with here, it's still nothing compared to back home.
In this, Subaru's wounds provide a good distraction, Jean carefully removing the last of some thorns and then gently wiping away blood. As he speaks, his voice is as gentle as his hands. ]
I hope... one day, she comes back. But I don't know if Eren has the ability to hope for that, anymore.
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Let alone someone he loves.
He sighs, and folds his arms.]
Then there’s nothing for it. You and me - [And Thorfinn, but he’s not part of this conversation.] - have just got to take extra-good care of him until if she ever comes back.
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I know what it's like to lose someone and know you're not going to get them back, no matter how hard you wish for it. I don't know if it'd be fair to him to ask him to hope. But I can show him how to keep living and find happiness, even after it's so painful you think you could die.
[ Marco, Sasha, Bertholdt, even people like Floch... they'd all been important to Jean. All gone. ]
And even if he never gets better... I'll still take care of him.
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It leaves him uniquely unequipped to face a situation like this, when he’s coasted by so far on hope and determination.
He can’t help but admire Jean’s resolve.]
Already…you’re really good to him, huh?
[The fact makes him feel a little inadequate; all this talk of saving Eren, and what has he managed to achieve? What is even his game plan here? Whereas Jean, he’s strong, reliable, he’s got it all figured out.
He lets out another sigh.]
I have some serious making-up to do. I owe him… [A lot, it turns out.] …better than I’ve given him.
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tw: medical talk. this entire tag made me cackle
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i'm not going into detail but stitches!
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tw: child abuse though the character doesn't see it as such
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