No, I'm not. [He's bent halfway over, picking something up from off the ground. He straightens.] It isn't really about that, though.
[Or...is it? Eren's lips draw briefly into a tight line. He looks tense; after a moment, though, the tension evens out into something...weaker. His hand idly flexes and twists at his side, as if in pain.]
Those people...The ones who believe in me, even though I fail them again and again, even though I hate myself...
[Subaru gets it, right?]
I don't want to go home to them tonight.
[He is not entirely clueless; he gets how it sounds.]
[Eren stops working (he's gotten an impressive amount done just as they've been talking), and sits down next to Subaru instead; presses their knees together, leans back on his arm so that it's pressed up close to the other boy's back. He just wants to see if that blush might get worse...]
[Eren really likes getting close, doesn’t he…? It’s just one of those quirks of his, he supposes. Still, he can’t help the colour he turns in response.]
I-it was good! [He’s grateful for the change in topic, though he’s still a little flustered.] Jean’s a real good cook, I haven’t had something that delicious in a while!
[Eren likes getting closed to people who blush like that, anyway; one of the reasons he's so charmed by Thorfinn, though his boyfriend would be loathe to admit so.
[He stays close, idly swaying his knee back and forth, pushing it against Subaru's.]
I'll keep bringing it to you, but you'll have to figure food out for yourself eventually. There's no excuse not to eat properly in a world like this.
[Eren nods, hanging his head as he does so in a lazy motion, bobbing up and down.]
I get it. Yeah. [His voice is quiet. When he lifts his head again, he cranes his neck, and tilts it all the way back, closing his eyes.
[Where would he end up if he woke up one day and Jean had disappeared? Or if they all did? He doesn't like to think about it. Losing Reiner has been hard enough; hard in its own uniquely painful, wretched, awful way.]
I went a long time here without losing anyone important. [He surprises himself with how easily he can use that word, but...it's true, isn't it? Love, hate - importance; he certainly can't argue that Reiner was a significant force in his life.]
[Quite frankly, Eren is glad that it’s only him and Subaru there. He can’t really stand to look at anyone else right now. For the moment, only two people exist: the boy who ate the world, and the boy who knows - he knows - and wants to save him anyway.
[No extra sleepover guests. He wants to be unapologetically close.
[But he gets it; God, but does he ever understand grief.]
It’s okay…it probably meant that her wish got granted, right? That’s good.
[He’s lying through his teeth. It hurts. He hates that he’s been left alone. That she gets to go back, and he’s left waiting, uncertain of everyone’s fates without him.
But with Eren, he doesn’t have to do that, does he? He’s already told all. There’s no need to pretend.
He sighs.]
…I used to live in a mansion with a bunch of other people. It was the kind of place where there was never a lonely moment.
[A bittersweet look crosses his face. He avoids Eren’s eyes.]
Before that…I spent a lot of time by myself. I even avoided others, you know? Not because I didn’t like people, or anything like that…
[It was just too much.
Idly, he plays with his fingers. He has no idea what to do with his hands.]
[Now feels like the wrong time to tell Subaru that Eren's wish coming true is what led to his future; maybe it all would have happened anyway, but the reason he knows now is because he lived the manifestation of that wish.
[Maybe Nowi's was kinder.]
I've never spent all that much time alone. [His voice is quiet. He notices Subaru fidgeting with his hands, so he takes them both in his, bringing them over to his lap. Thumbs idly stroke at nervous knuckles.]
I never lived in any mansion...but before I came here, I spent the last three years in a barracks with other soldiers.
[Before that, Armin and Mikasa - always. His heart aches painfully.]
[Subaru finds himself appreciating the touch; it’s reassuring, comforting. Eren’s hands are warm, inviting. It’s one thing to be in someone’s presence, it’s another to really feel it.
”Don’t be lonely anymore”, huh? Maybe he can really believe it.]
…It really wouldn’t be a pain?
[He shakes his head.]
Nah, I know you don’t just say stuff like that. Thanks, Eren.
[Reiner is gone. Nowi is gone. Subaru can't promise that he isn't going anywhere; neither can Eren, but he has. He feels a lack of conviction when it comes to that promise now. He'd been so ready to take Vaeros on headfirst, make sure that people here had the choice. He still wants that, but maybe he isn't the type of person who can win a battle like that without complete destruction...
[Eren leans back on his hands, tilting his head back again and taking a deep breath. He pushes himself up from the bed and continues cleaning. It doesn't take long to get everything straightened. If Subaru lets him touch his room, he'll help there too.
[By the time the sun is down, he feels all at once exhausted.]
[Oh, right. He needs a change of clothes. Subaru hadn’t really given much thought to the practicalities of their sleepover all that much, to be honest.]
Yeah. I should have some spare pyjamas around here somewhere…
[He reaches into the closet and has a rummage around. Everything was neatly organised, but he’d let that get away from him too…]
Here. [He pulls out a pair, rather plain, and tosses them to Eren.] We’re probably around the same size, right?
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[And then the next thing comes out of Eren’s mouth, and the connections between the conversations startle him.]
I mean…it’ll be like a sleepover, right? [Right!] You can always take Nowi’s bed if you want.
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Is it really that weird to you? I can't remember the last time I went a night without sharing my bed.
[He doesn't...quite realize how that might sound.]
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[How did Eren…of all people…]
It’s definitely not that big of a deal to sleep alone where I’m from!
[That’s what he tells himself, anyway.]
I mean - you have - you’re not single, right? That’s a totally different game!
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[Or...is it? Eren's lips draw briefly into a tight line. He looks tense; after a moment, though, the tension evens out into something...weaker. His hand idly flexes and twists at his side, as if in pain.]
Those people...The ones who believe in me, even though I fail them again and again, even though I hate myself...
[Subaru gets it, right?]
I don't want to go home to them tonight.
[He is not entirely clueless; he gets how it sounds.]
They won't mind. It's not like that.
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…Yeah. I get it.
[He can’t say his situation is the same, but he understands the feeling.]
Whenever you feel like that…you’ve always got a place here.
[If he’s gonna save Eren, then part of that means saving him from all those painful feelings…even if it’s just by being there.]
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Sounds like you've never shared a bed with anyone at all. That's kinda sad. [Blunt as ever!]
If you don't like it, just kick me out. I'll find somewhere else to go.
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[As awkward as it might be for Subaru, he’s not gonna do that to him.]
But it’s really not that sad! It’s totally normal for a guy my age!
[He sounds so desperate to prove this point…]
I mean - Emilia gave me a lap pillow once, that’s close enough, right?
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N-no! No way! It’s totally innocent!
[Well, in comparison.]
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[The corners of Eren's mouths tug upward.]
You're kind of a prude, aren't you?
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[He’s going red.]
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[Eren stops working (he's gotten an impressive amount done just as they've been talking), and sits down next to Subaru instead; presses their knees together, leans back on his arm so that it's pressed up close to the other boy's back. He just wants to see if that blush might get worse...]
How'd you like the food?
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I-it was good! [He’s grateful for the change in topic, though he’s still a little flustered.] Jean’s a real good cook, I haven’t had something that delicious in a while!
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[He stays close, idly swaying his knee back and forth, pushing it against Subaru's.]
I'll keep bringing it to you, but you'll have to figure food out for yourself eventually. There's no excuse not to eat properly in a world like this.
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[He says it with an air of guilt; he remembers what Eren’s situation was like back home.]
I used to help prepare meals back in the mansion, so it’s not like I don’t know how…besides, I used to cook for me and Nowi, when she lived here.
[It’s a much quieter house without her.]
I just…guess it hasn’t been much of a priority lately.
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I get it. Yeah. [His voice is quiet. When he lifts his head again, he cranes his neck, and tilts it all the way back, closing his eyes.
[Where would he end up if he woke up one day and Jean had disappeared? Or if they all did? He doesn't like to think about it. Losing Reiner has been hard enough; hard in its own uniquely painful, wretched, awful way.]
I went a long time here without losing anyone important. [He surprises himself with how easily he can use that word, but...it's true, isn't it? Love, hate - importance; he certainly can't argue that Reiner was a significant force in his life.]
I get it.
Bet Nowi would want you to keep eating, though...
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[That guilt twists like a knife; he’s really letting everyone down, isn’t he?]
Bet she’d be disappointed to miss out on the sleepover too - that’s what she said living together would be like, just one big sleepover.
[There’s find reminiscence there. Living with someone for a handful of months, it’s hard not to get attached.]
If she was here, there’s be no getting out of it; we’d have to play games together.
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[No extra sleepover guests. He wants to be unapologetically close.
[But he gets it; God, but does he ever understand grief.]
I can tell you miss her a lot. I’m sorry.
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[He’s lying through his teeth. It hurts. He hates that he’s been left alone. That she gets to go back, and he’s left waiting, uncertain of everyone’s fates without him.
But with Eren, he doesn’t have to do that, does he? He’s already told all. There’s no need to pretend.
He sighs.]
…I used to live in a mansion with a bunch of other people. It was the kind of place where there was never a lonely moment.
[A bittersweet look crosses his face. He avoids Eren’s eyes.]
Before that…I spent a lot of time by myself. I even avoided others, you know? Not because I didn’t like people, or anything like that…
[It was just too much.
Idly, he plays with his fingers. He has no idea what to do with his hands.]
…I’d almost forgotten what it felt like.
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[Maybe Nowi's was kinder.]
I've never spent all that much time alone. [His voice is quiet. He notices Subaru fidgeting with his hands, so he takes them both in his, bringing them over to his lap. Thumbs idly stroke at nervous knuckles.]
I never lived in any mansion...but before I came here, I spent the last three years in a barracks with other soldiers.
[Before that, Armin and Mikasa - always. His heart aches painfully.]
Anyway...
Don't be lonely anymore. Just call me.
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”Don’t be lonely anymore”, huh? Maybe he can really believe it.]
…It really wouldn’t be a pain?
[He shakes his head.]
Nah, I know you don’t just say stuff like that. Thanks, Eren.
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[Eren observes their hands, subdued. It's hard to tell if he looks tired or sad.]
To be honest with you, I can't really stand anyone else right now. Most people I'd rather just leave me alone.
[The unspoken, "But not you."]
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…Yeah, I get that.
[He can’t help it; a little bit of pride to be the exception. It feels like a warm glow.]
Well, you can stay however long you want, until you feel like being around them again. It’s not like I’m going anywhere.
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[Eren leans back on his hands, tilting his head back again and taking a deep breath. He pushes himself up from the bed and continues cleaning. It doesn't take long to get everything straightened. If Subaru lets him touch his room, he'll help there too.
[By the time the sun is down, he feels all at once exhausted.]
Hey. Do you have something I could change into?
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Yeah. I should have some spare pyjamas around here somewhere…
[He reaches into the closet and has a rummage around. Everything was neatly organised, but he’d let that get away from him too…]
Here. [He pulls out a pair, rather plain, and tosses them to Eren.] We’re probably around the same size, right?
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